By Ashley Uzer
Many of the bikinis and one pieces that are on sale right now were clearly designed for the sole purpose of an Instagram photoshoot, or at least a cute Snapchat video. What they weren’t designed for is laying by the pool, getting in the water whatsoever, or getting turnt and frolicking in the sand.
When you spot your fave Instagram influencer in one of these types of suits, wonder to yourself how long they actually kept that bikini on.
1. Velvet Bikinis
Velvet for spring was one thing, but velvet bikinis are another. What’s next, fur bikinis? Actually, scratch that, I don’t want the designers to get any ideas.
Obviously, this isn’t actually made of velvet (right, ASOS?) because then you definitely wouldn’t be able to go in the water. But still, I’m dying to feel one of these pieces in the flesh, and try putting it under water.
2. Long Sleeved Bikini Tops
The whole reason bikinis are so skimpy is because it’s hot af at the beach, so what exactly is the purpose of wearing a long-sleeved bikini top? Don’t tell me this is a rash guard, because there’s no way in hell this lacey sleeved contraption is protecting you from shit. It’s just another way to pose like a thot without looking like a total thot because at least your arms and boobies will be covered while you stick your booty out.
3. Swimwear With Built In Jewelry
Who wears jewelry with their swimwear unless they’re going to a Vegas pool party? Well, for those of you who do wear jewelry, now you can buy a bikini that already has it built-in! Not sure about this for a day of sun and fun, but maybe you can wear the top half with a skirt for a night out?
4. Anything That Will Cause An Obvious Nip Slip
Bandeaus are precarious enough as is, but why on earth would someone with a fuller bust opt for a bandeau? Especially one like this that looks ridiculously uncomfortable and prone to ill-fitting? This also goes for those micro-bikini tops. You know, the type you see on Playboy Models. Sexy in photos, but uncomfy IRL unless you plan on standing still all day.
5. Anything With Extremely Unnecessary Straps
These are cute, there’s no doubt about it. But can you imagine the tan lines? Unless you’re wearing SPF 100 or hiding under an umbrella all day, you’re going to wake up tomorrow with a ridic white stripe of skin your chest and tummy. Not lit. Better to just throw this suit on for a two hour IG photoshoot and then switch into something simpler.
6. A Suit That Will Give You A Legit Tan Dot On Your Tummy
Speaking of tan lines, WTF is this? Like what person in this world wants their bikini to specifically showcase their upper stomach? Only someone who seriously knows their angles and potentially their way around Facetune for a #edgy swimwear look.
7. Anything With Lots of Hardware
Metal accessories are dope on bikinis, no doubt about it. But do you know what isn’t dope? Brushing your arm against your chained bikini bottom and recoiling from the burning metal. In this bikini, it looks like the bling is plastic, but you get my drift. This also looks super uncomfy for anyone who wants to lay by the pool on a chair or towel, especially if you like to lay on your front.